Thursday, September 15, 2011


Chapter 1: I meet this man, his smile lights up the room, his eyes are bright, blue & everytime he looks at me, I feel as if they peirce me deep within my soul. He's full of charm and has a way of making me feel completely comfortable around him..comfortable to be myself, comfortable to let it all go, I let my walls crumble down. I know this is love. Not puppy love, not "I think" love, but the real, butterflies, knee weakening, heart pounding, can't live without you love. He shows me that it is possible for a woman to be treated with respect and what it's like to truly be loved. He shows me that I'll never have to worry about having my heartbroken again & I'm his, all of me. I spend my nights falling asleep in his arms, sometimes on his chest, just listening to his heartbeat, my mornings waking up to those blue eyes , sweet kisses & my days with him by my side. Nothing could get better than this, nothing could ever take this away.

Chapter 2: I walk into this place, an unfamiliar place, a place I thought I'd never be. I go up to the window, place my ID in the box and sit down, taking in my surroundings. There are white walls that already feel as if they are suffocating me, a clock ticking on the wall as time creeps by slowly, the sounds of slamming doors and such a variety of people. There are whites, blacks, mexicans, mothers, daughters, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, wives, husbands, friends..Some are used to the process, some aren't..but no matter the situation, in this room, with these people, I feel no judgement. We are all here for the same reason, to see someone we love. The time finally comes, the officers come out, the door clicks open and I'm led into a hallway that's small, but seems never ending. Three months pregnant, I rub my stomach as butterflies flutter around wildly. I see bright orange jumpsuits and strange faces staring at me from behind the glass. I sit down on this hard, metal stool..and I'm looking at you behind this glass window, and am unable to touch you. I pick up a phone..a phone that barley works, and the 30 minute countdown begins. Your voice, it soothes me as tears fall down my cheeks. You are right in front of me..your hands, your face, your body..I want to reach out and grab your hand, kiss your lips..feel your body..but I can't. I can't because of this glass separating us. My heartbreaks and your voice soothes me as tears fall down my cheeks. I hear other voices around me..but I focus only on yours telling me it'll be okay and that you love me. It's the only one that matters. The officers come and tell us it's time to go..I can't believe those 30 minutes are over, can't believe our time is limited and we are separated. I say goodbye and that I love you..and I start walking down the long hallway towards the door, I feel the tears. I want to grab you and take you with me, but I know I can't. I walk and push open the doors, the doors that allow the fresh breeze that I need so badly to blow on my face, letting me breathe and collect my thoughts. I am so afraid. So afraid of how long I will be separated from afraid of how long I will not be able to feel you or how long I will have to wish I could touch you through that glass window. That place seems like hell..and I hate it for holding you. My days are long and the nights are even longer without you beside me..but somehow I keep faith.

Chapter 3: I'm sitting in the court room, watching as you are brought in, shackles and handcuffs. I listen as the lawyers say what needs to be said, but all I want to hear is how long I'll have to be without you by my side. The judge asks you to stand up and I feel like I’m going to faint. He sentences you to 7 years, I want to stand up and scream but I know there’s nothing I can do. I meet your eyes as you’re being escorted out, you whisper “I love you”. I rush out of the courtroom, I don’t want to talk to anyone, and all I want to do is hear your voice already telling me it will all be okay. How are we going to make it through this?

Chapter 4: No more behind glass, no more talking through a phone, no more wishing I could touch you…a year into this journey, our daughter is 2 months old and we’ll both finally be able to feel your arms around us. Now, instead of walking into a long hallway that seems endless, I get to walk into a room where I can go straight into your arms, when I can feel safe, where all my worries can fade away, and your lips can meet mine. Instead of wishing I could see you holding our daughter, you get to hold her in your arms and give her all of your love. We’re almost 2 years into this hard road, and though nothing about it is easy, but I’d do it all over again if it meant I got to be with you in the end. Staying with you wasn’t something I had to think about, because when you truly love someone, you’ll stay by their side through anything, the good and the bad. You’re still the man I want to lay down beside every night, wake up next to every morning and spend every moment with in between. The only man I want holding me, kissing me, touching me, telling me he loves me..the only man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Although we now only have twenty minute phone calls, letters and two hour visits, my love is still as strong for you as it was when we first met and it only grows stronger with everyday that passes. I said I keep faith, I keep faith by knowing that you're still loving me to the fullest of your ability and that I'm loving you to the fullest of mine. I cherish every line of those letters, every second of those phone calls and visits because right now it’s all we have. This journey can be dark at times, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is that this will all be over someday, that I will be back in your arms, that we will never have to look back at this again and we can just sit on our front porch, growing old together, looking into our future and making up for lost time.  These were the "stages" to our situation, the "chapters", but there are still many more to be written..It's Joshua, Summer & Aubrianna, forever & a day<33